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Is it wise to let your parents choose your wife or husband for you?

Nope it is definitely not wise to have your parents select a spouse for you. Let's just ignore the fact that this is the 21st Century for a second and try to come up with factors that may make this rational and wise.


Nope. I still can't find any!

It's even weirder when you think about the fact that this is still happening now in a lot of places around the world. Like, this is the 21st century!

Freedom is the order of the day. We have people advocating for the freedom to express their sexual orientations in whatever directions they like! And rightfully so! Fighting for the right to choose your own wife or husband would be like riding a mule on an I-10 nowadays.

Any parent who still feel strongly, in this day and age, that the only way they can do right by their children in life is to forcefully decide what person to choose as their husband or wife; whatever parent that still believes that is extremely archaic and a bit wicked.

I'm from Africa, and arranged marriage here used to be the order of the day. In all of our history regardless of the class or the social status everybody that got married haf their marriage arranged. Right down even to the generations of our fathers and mothers.

Sometimes of course it is mostly due to preservations and strengthning of family connections and everything; trying to make sure that their children marry into a rich or affluent family, or trying to make sure that their children get married to their friend's children and thereby creating that kind of inner circle and trust and political strength between their two families.

But you would agree with me that there is only a few things more evil than using your children as a means to an end for yourself. To gain political standings or wealth or strength in the community. Sure I have an idea how it could have been an acceptable thing to do in those olden days. They mostlmostly rationalized it by telling the children it's what's best for them and all that, and because of the fact of collective reasoning and it being the norm. It became acceptable and nobody batted an eye.

But this is the 21st century. Right from the Enlightenment, principles of freedom have been propagated. Nobody has the right to use their children to gain political edges or social edges and whatnot. Sadly, however, it still happens.

Another reason I can think of is the tendency for Excessive Parental Control. Here in Africa this is even a lot more paramount. Parents feel entitled to "owning" the child and thus they feel they can decide for them.

They justify this by saying that due to their old age and experience they know best. Perhaps they do. Perhaps not. But in certain affairs--especially affairs of the heart--no one should decide for another person absolutely, regardless of the experience or intellect that person may seem to possess.

Then again the youths have never been trusted in the society. Especially in my society. The Youth is always regarded as the leader of tomorrow. But the promise is that tommorow never comes and the so called elders always believe they are the one who knows best on how to shape this tomorrow. It's basically saying, Ok you're the future, but we're the ones who knows best on how to shape this future that you are.

But when it is said and done, nobody knows you like you do. Nobody can decide certain things for you, especially certain subjective things that has to do with what you feel deep in your heart.

And of course you will agree that there are certain things you feel deeply that you cannot communicate to others; things that goes on in you that others cannot see. And due to this peculiarities in yourself, nobody can or should make a decision for you regarding whom you're going to spend the rest of your life with; whom you're going to share these peculiarities with.

Same goes, of course, for that other person, who is going to be spending the rest of his or her life with somebody he or she doesn't even know. A person who might turn out to be a joy or a source of sadness for you for the rest of your life.

The least you can do then is be conscious of the fact, and be able to say In the end even if all turned out badly, that yes at least it was you who made that decision yourself, and not any body else that made it for you.

The pain and the suffering is yours if it turns out that the match is a terrible one. Your parents won't be the one to suffer for you in your new home. They'll be in theirs enjoying whatever fruits or benefits the arrangement brought them. You on the other hand are going to be spending the rest of your life with an abuser, or a womanizer, or a promiscuous lady or any such terrible direction it may go.

So why should THEY be the one who makes such an important decision like this for you?

It is Your Life on the Line. Plain and simple. And when it comes to your life on the line, it is NEVER wise to place the final decision in the hands of another person--be it your father or mother or your great ancestors. The decision SHOUlD be yours! And yours alone!



Can I have one minute permission to giggle at this question, it's like letting your parents choose your best food, it's just not done. However, it is quite a common occurrence and it surprises me that some parents still practice this  at this age of technological advancement. Back in the day, there were some concrete reasons as to why and how such practice was established, children were betrothed to children from other families to seal friendship or business, which is quite wrong to me anyway, though i'm not judging right now. 

A relationship stands a better chance of breeding a healthy connection when it is not acted upon by an external force, i.e a relationship has a better chance at survival if the partners restrict their relationships to themselves alone, rather than allowing public opinion including that of the parents dictate each and every move for them. 

Most of the time, our parents don't know exactly what we desire especially when it concern's matters of the heart and sensuality no matter how open we are, letting them do the choosing will mean they had chosen based on their own opinion and idea of what they think is good for you. Now it's up to you to live with the outcome of that for the rest of your life. 

I love to have cup of cappuccino coffee every morning I wake up, it brightens my day, I can't tell how much I want to wake up to it for the rest of my life. I doubt my parents feel the same way, now imagine they had to choose, and I ended up having to wake up to green tea every morning, now green tea is a good thing right, fine, but it's not cappuccino, it's not the love of my life. 

It's not wise my friend, you will be the one to wake up to your partner for the rest of your life and not your parents. 

Peradventure you can't find a spouse for yourself, for some reason,  then it's okay to ask the parents for opinion and direction, they don't necessarily have to choose passe, they can just assist you in making a decision. This is my stand on this. 


No it is not!! Not for any reason, infact, that's basically one of the worst mistakes you can make in your life because your parents aren't the ones who are going to live with the person, you are!!! You're the one that's going to build a family with them and you're the person that's going to have to swear an oath to spend the rest of your lives with them.

Let that sink in for a second "THE REST OF YOUR LIFE". Long after your parents are gone, you're still going to have to be the one that'll put up with the person, shouldn't a life changing decision like that be on your own terms?? I don't see any reason why you should even let your parents have a say in who you should marry or how your marriage should be.

There are certain things in life that you should do by yourself and at the top of that list is choosing your own partner. I understand that a lot of traditions all around the world support things like betrothal, but making the decision of who you should spend the rest of your life with is a decision that should if not entirely, be mostly made based on your own discretion.

Let's look at the facts, no matter how your parents think they know the person or the family of the person they want you to marry, they'll never fully know them. I know a lot of girls in my Alma mater who behave like angels when they're home but while they're in school it's basically from one party to another with alcohol and weed as their breakfast lunch and dinner.

Your parents will only know the part of them that they display to their own parents and they won't know how they truly are. I know a guy who's extremely violent, he's a top tier gang member or better yet a cultist in my Alma mater but his parents are pastors and every Sunday he goes home and attends service with his family and they don't suspect a thing about him, imagine if you were a woman and you were made to marry such a person.

Getting to know a person before you marry them is essential in determining whether or not the two of you are compatible. You can't just carry two people who may or may not even be compatible with each other and force them into a marriage that they'll both hate. I understand that in some cultures it's inescapable and no matter what you do, you will definitely marry the person your parents choose, my heart goes out to those people, truly it does.

If you happen to have a choice in the matter and you can freely choose who you want to marry, them please do it yourself, seek advice from your parents if you must, but don't let the decision of who you spend the rest of your life with be entirely up to them.

I hope this helps.


It is a tricky question. I have actually married and am still married to the guy my mother chose for me. I live in India and that explains it perfectly. Arranged marriages are still the norm here and society does not look kindly on those who marry out of love. 


  • horoscope matching and paranoia that something untoward may happen if horoscopes do not match 
  • caste and class difference
  • difference in religion
  • different states
  • different language and culture although it is beginning to fade
  • influences of patriarchal society 
  • honor killing 

Now for the question

In my opinion, it is better to select one's own partner but also make sure that the parents approve otherwise it will be a lifelong strained relationship and if something goes wrong, then there is the inevitable - I told you so. 

Life is not a journey where we know what is going to happen next. So, it is always best to consult the parents who are wiser and more experienced than you. That is why most fathers are over protective of their little princesses. No man would be ever perfect for their little one. ( I miss my dad, sigh) 

It is not demeaning to be humble and ask the opinion of elders. Young people do not often ask for advice but are given it anyway and they may resent it. The parents too should not be overbearing and should give a certain amount of freedom to their children and also trust their decisions. 


I think part of. But the major decision is within you because you are the one knowing what you want and what's the personality of that woman you are marrying. Also, you have your own preference of who do you want to spend your life with.

For me, their advises matters. They will play a big factor into choosing who you wanted to spend with the rest of your life because that's what parents do. Their constant advice and guard for you will be critical. They love you and they wanted the best for you - and that's a fact.

Normally, I would incorporate my mother's choice and thoughts when I want to introduce a girl to her. Then I give it a factor into my decisions. But most of the time, my own decisions will be a big part of it. 

As long as you think carefully what you do and you seek guidance from above, you will surely find a good one.


I think it's wise if that person can't find a partner and ask the parent to help find a partner. But usually I think parents and their children have different taste so in this day of age, it is not wise for parents to choose unless the parents want to Wed their teenage children and are the sponsors of the child's wedding. If there is a partial decision like whether they think that the person that their child is going to Wed is suitable or not, I guess that would be fine but if there are many other decisions, a big portion of the decision should be made by the ones who get married. What if the parents force a young teenage girl to marry a guy who she never met that is older than her by ten or twenty years of age? She has to live with this man for the rest of her life. But I guess nowadays, it is still practiced around at some parts around the world.


It is not a good idea at all for you to let your parents choose a wife or husband for you to be with.

Though this question can go either round may be the person in question is not that open up type that can't confront or speak to who ever he or she likes or the parents may be type that are after some family background, that is from a rich background some parents may want to follow that trend.

But not withstanding parents don't have the right to choose a life partner for you no matter how the case maybe.


As a matter of fact, I wouldn't see any problems — my folks were to a great degree sensible and sharp composes. Of course, they're sensible and sharp, so they wouldn't have needed the obligation in any case.

Also, that conveys me to this essential point:— It depends if your folks are the sort whose intuition in this sort of thing is at an abnormal state and ready to create results that really works out.

Not all guardians can do that — so for the general keep running of individuals, it probably won't be the correct approach to things. All things considered, they don't need to live with their decision, however you do.