I have 2 kids, a boy aged 3 years old and a little girl aged 1 - both were adopted from different mothers but both share the same birthday without us planning it. My boy, Shawn, was born premature at 32 weeks and my little girl was overdue by couple of days. They are very special to my wife and I because both are the answers to our prayers. They are gifts from above.
What I want to share is that there are many reasons why a mother gives away a new born baby and I believe LOVE is always behind those reasons. This is what I can conclude in that 3 years searching for a child to adopt before we met a couple who heard of our cries. The couple already have 6 children, all boys and the wife found out she was already 5 months pregnant when the 6th child was only 8 months old. So, when they asked us if we would like to be the "official guardian" of the 7th child we were so delighted especially after many failed attempts on adoption.
My second adoption came from a single mother whose so called "boyfriend" did not want to have anything to do with the child. She was introduced to us by my sister in-law, when Shawn was almost 2 years old, and we just said yes although we were not sure if we could handle a second baby at that time. The mother already have 4 grown up children from previous marriage but she did not want the family, especially her parents, to know her condition. It was out of love the she asked us to adopt the child because she wanted the baby to grow up with a mother and a father.
So, if my wife wife were to tell me she got pregnant at 15 and gave the child away, I would be shocked but I will easily understand her situation at that time. Beside being young an insecure, I believe there must be valid justified reasons for her to do so and I'm sure it was done out of LOVE. I would not feel betrayed at all. And I might even ask her to get in touch with the child if possible- LOVE does not stop.
Whatever reasons a lady gives I'm sure LOVE is one of them. Everything happens for a reason and God can really surprises you in a very mysterious way. And for me there is no difference between adopted child and one of your own gene. Adoption is when a child grew in your heart and not in a mother's womb because LOVE is thicker than flesh & blood.......
That depends on a lot of details. Was that child the product of rape? Would her family have disowned her or worse if they knew? There are many reasons for shame to come with bearing a child. As someone who is biologically female I know that in the above two scenarios would be absolutely traumatizing and at 15 one is still a child, making the choice to give that child up is even harder than it is on adults. Or maybe she was forced to give the child up by her parents or whoever raised her.
You should not feel betrayed, or react negatively. Instead be there, and comfort her. Show her you have an open ear if she wants to tell you about it, divulge any details she has not already told you about it.
While they say in a marriage there should be no secrets but....That's just untrue, and unfair. There are things in my past so traumatizing because of how I was raised that I feel uncomfortable talking about them with a therapist let alone someone whose reactions to those things could potentially be negative backlash that would only further that trauma. So I can imagine that is probably why she kept it from you, though it's debatable as to why she now feels comfortable opening up about it.
Again, however, this is all just speculation as there are many unknown factors and what you've asked about is a very broad statement. But as I said, my best advice is that you should simply be there for her and comfort her, and let her know that you're not angry at her and you want to understand what she did and why she did it and why she decided to keep it from you.
Normally, everyone has a reason for keeping something a secret. Some are justified in doing so and some are not, based on the reason.
If I had asked my wife, about having a secret in her previous life period, during the early years of our relationship for making a better and strong bond/relationship between us and she told me nothing then I would definitely get angry. It's a natural reaction, I can hide it but it is what it is.
On the other hand if I hadn't discuss anything like this with her ever then I have no right to blame for hiding it from me for so long.
Whatever the case, if I am sincere in my relationship with her then I would forget and forgive her after some time as I've accepted her with all her weaknesses and strengths.
For those, who break their marriage after such an incident and/or a secret from past ... this is never the actual cause. Marriages break because of several tiny misconceptions/mistakes over the years, which were never being discussed. These tiny misconceptions/mistakes accumulate to a bigger bomb which explodes with the disclosure of such a secret and could be proved a final nail in the coffin.
I think I have answered the second part / lady part of the question as well while mentioning to have different reason for a secret but I am thinking as a male and according to my, so far, experiences of the life but a better answer could only be provided by a lady.
Why would i feel betrayed by a act what she did in her younger or teenager age? People grow, change, evolve and in those younger years can people do ignorant actions. What makes them all innocent.
it would be different is she said it happens last year, yeah then i would feel betrayed yes!
So if she came up with that story, then i would first worried about her own feelings, because she live with that secret for so long, that it could harm her in some way.
So the first goal is figure out how she feel about the lost and if it still does her pain and if there is something i can do to help her. Thinking about my own feelings would be selfish, because everyone who loses a child will feel the pain, no matter what the circumstances were. A child and a parent can be physical apart, but they can never be separated from the soul, there for a parent will always think of that child.
So if a wife came up with this story after 10 years, then she still walks around with the pain, and then a man should stand next to her and guide her further to relief the pain of loss, and he should be a men and never mention his own feelings. Just saying!
I am answering as a guy because I cannot comfortably keep such a secret for that long a time. I mean, that's a very big discovery and secret. If we were meant to be together, why hide such a secret from me and for that long?
As a guy, I will definitely feel so betrayed and foolish to have lived with a woman who will hide such a truth from me. WHy would she? What were her plans? If we've been married for 10 years, why is she just bringing the matter up? I probably may never trust her again but if she can confidently explain to me why she hid such truth, then I may decide to give her another chance but I will obviously feel so betrayed as we were never supposed to keep secrets from each other.
I would not feel betrayed. Why would I feel betrayed by something she did way before our marriage? I would carry on as usual.
But it would be a bit of a shock. Giving a child up for adoption, even a newborn, can be a heavy burden to bear. Being forced to give up an older child up for adoption is something that could easily cause a normal person to lose sanity. When a child dies, you at least know where they are. When strangers have them, anything is possible. I would be curious to know how she had processed it. Does she think about the child a lot? Does she know where the child is? Has she had any contact with them?
I would liked to have known as there should be no secrets. It wouldn't change how I felt about her though.
I would like her to be open and honest about everything as it should be between husband and wife.
I wouldn't feel betrayed but more upset at not being told. It wouldn't change a thing between us as it doesn't change love.
I don't know if betrayed is the first word that would come to mind but I would be unhappy that such a secret was kept for so long.